It is easy to be cynical of love and long-term relationships. The eyeroll response that “love” evokes is quite justified. Given the “roll of the dice” chance of a long-term relationship enduring, why should anyone learn to develop the communication skills necessary to sustain a
meaningful connection? The film “The Notebook ‘’ showcases the interpersonal communication skills needed to make a long-term relationship work by utilizing the dialectical tensions between
the main characters, Allie and Noah, through their imperfect relationship. In the Notebook, we see Allie and Noah showcase interpersonal communication challenges by default of being very
different people from a different social class. However, in spite of their differences, their relationship works through managing dialectical tensions. Allie and Noah as movie couple offer viewers a sense of what it takes to make a relationship work. The question posed after viewing
the notebook isn’t “why should we bother with long-term relationships”, but are there relationships where it’s still worth trying to work on?
“The Notebook” is a film about a romantic love that endures against the odds. The main characters, Allie and Noah, are from different social classes. Allie is a wealthy southern belle, who at 17 years old, was destined to go to University and marry a wealthy man. Noah was a working class man from a working class family. His clothes are worn out and his mannerism is far from refined. In their first encounter as teenagers, Noah threatened to jump off a ferris wheel until Allie agreed to “go out” with him. Allie agreed to a date, but pulled down Noah’s drawers as
an act of defiance. Noah and Allie spent the summer getting to know each other. Allie’s family disapproved of Noah. Noah felt insecure around Allie’s wealth. The couple separated when the summer ended. Noah wrote to Allie everyday for a year. Allie’s mother intercepted the letters, so Allie never received Noah’s messages. When Allie and Noah meet again at a different time and place, Allie is engaged to a respectable man from the same high class background. Given the odds, for Allie and Noah, how was it possible that this mess of a relationship endured?
It is tempting to be another critic and write “The Notebook” off as a Hollywood film. Movies do not reflect real life. It is easy to say that Allie and Noah’s relationship endured because all relationships on T.V live happily ever after. But is it possible that Allie and Noah’s relationship showcased interpersonal skills that supports a long term relationship? Allie and Noah knew how to fight. Their relationship used dialectical tensions to ease the differences between two volatile people. Allie and Noah encountered dialectical tensions around connection-autonomy dialectic and openness-privacy dialectic as teenagers. As mature adults,
Allie and Noah spoke to each other in a way that utilized integration, recalibration, and reaffirmation to recommit to their relationship. We have a choice, as viewers, to write off Allie and Noah as romantic ideals. But we also have the choice to see “The Notebook” as an opportunity to understand what it takes to make an imperfect relationship work.
The teenage Allie and Noah, the couple we meet at the start, faced interpersonal challenges. The first challenge we see Noah and Allie encounter is the tension around openness and privacy. Openness worked to Noah’s advantage in the sense that he hid nothing
from Allie. Noah warmly welcomes Allie into his family during a surprise visit, the dialogue showcases how openness brought the couple closer:
“Well that’s a beautiful look at that, that’s a damn picture there what was it, a Whitman see whenhe was a little kid. He used to stutter real bad daddy… so I got him to read me poetry out loud. It wasn’t pretty at first but then he stuttered and went away. That’s a good idea for poetry. That’s
unbelievable” [1]
Allie’s non-verbal expressions upon learning about Noah’s stutter seem to suggest awe and wonder. Noah, who stuttered as a child, was bold enough as a young man to speak to Allie confidently. Through that moment of vulnerability, the story about Noah’s stutter endured him to Allie. Openness helped Allie see the warm background Noah comes from. Noah’s father cared enough about his son enough to teach him poetry. Noah’s father welcomes Allie in for pancakes later in the scene, showcasing the warm background Noah comes from. Openness was a tension that had brought the couple closer together. Family was not something Noah had to
hide; Noah had a warm paternal figure who spoke to Noah with pride. Noah comes from a humble background, but family was the last thing for Noah to be ashamed of.
The dialectic tensions with openness-privacy worked to Allie’s disadvantage, privacy had evoked an unspoken tension in their relationship. In the film, teenage Noah learns that Allie will
be leaving for University in New York. It’s not Allie’s University plans that drove the couple into a turning point in the relationship, it’s how Noah found out that Allie was leaving through her mother during a dinner conversation:
“But Allie is going to Saint Lawrence, didn’t she tell you? No she didn’t tell me”.’
Allie’s parents did not approve of Noah because of his social class:
“How much money do I make? Like 40 cents an hour. Its not a lot but I don’t need a lot and I save most of it”. [1]
In the film, you could hear the long pause at the dinner table. You could hear Noah’s stutter come back and his confidence waning. The difference in Noah and Allie’s economic background has been a tension aggravate by privacy. Allie was not open about her University plans. When Noah found out through Allie’s mother, that drove an insecurity Noah already had further in. This scene shows an area where privacy can drive a wedge between couples. Noah finds important information through another
person instead of Allie herself. Learning that Allie will leave, learning that Allie will be gone, and learning through Allie’s mother (who did not want them to be together), drove in Noah’s insecurity around coming from a humble background. Teenage Noah did not feel he could provide Allie with a good life. Privacy, not telling an open person like Noah about her University plans, was a dialectic tension that teenage Allie was not able to bridge due to inexperience. Open Noah, who was emotionally invested in Allie, would have wanted to know that she will leave once summer is over.
After the scene, teenage Noah and Allie encountered another dialectic tension between connection and autonomy. The tension between connection and autonomy surfaced when Noah and Allie first broke up as teenagers. The gap between connection and autonomy could not be
gapped and the teenage Allie and Noah broke up. Noah ended the relationship with Allie to give her autonomy:
“Talk to me about what you want. You’re going away. You’re leaving. I’m staying here and I’m so happy you’re doing it. But you’re gonna have a million things to do. We’ve got so much ahead of you its true. I’m not gonna have nice things, fancy things, it’s never gonna happen for me it’s not
in the cards for me”
I don’t have to go to school. Yes you do.” [1]
Allie wanted connection, but Noah wanted autonomy. Allie was willing to do what it took to stay with Noah. Allie fought with her parents and wanted to stop going to University, just to stay with Noah. In constrast, Noah, who embodied the dialectic tension of autonomy, did not want to be the reason why Allie did not go to University. Noah distances himself from Allie after that fight. Allie, who embodies the dialectic tension of connection, went out to look for Noah at his work. A mutual work friend told Allie to give Noah autonomy. Noah will write to Allie if he wants to. Allie
leaves Noah alone. By the time Noah wanted to bridge the dialectic connection-autonomy gap with Allie, it was too late. Allie had already left. The desperation, to bridge the connection-autonomy gap led Noah to write 365 letters to Allie for every day of the year. As viewers, we know that none of those 365 letters will reach Allie. Those letters were hidden by Allie’s mother.
Every couple needs space. But Allie and Noah’s first breakup shows how important it is to close the gap between connection-autonomy because there may not be another chance. The dialectic tension was not a short-coming on Allie or Noah’s part, there were external circumstances and miscommunication that prevented them from staying together the first time around. But the importance of closing that autonomy and connection gap, may have minimized the emotional distress they will later feel as they venture on to their adult lives. After their breakup, Allie became a nurse in World War II and met her fiancé Lon Hammond Jr. Whereas after the War, Noah returned to fix-up an old house he and Allie dreamed about in their young love.
If everything had gone exactly as planned, that should have been the end of Noah andAllie’s story. Their relationship would have some memory of a teenage summer fling. If external and internal forces, like Allie’s mail-stealing mother and Noah’s economic class insecurity, had
kept the couple apart, that would have been the end of Noah and Allie’s story. But “The Notebook” is a story about a love that endures. The adult version of Noah and Allie do end up together in the end, so what gives?
To say that Noah and Allie matured and grew, and that is why their relationship endured the second time around, is too generous of a description. The second time Noah and Allie came
back together as a couple, they were already fighting. But examining the dialogue in their fights, there are hints of why Noah and Allie were able to stay together during the second try at their relationship.
“I made a promise to a man, he gave me a ring, and I gave him my word.’
‘Your word is shot to hell now don’t you think? It’s not about keeping your promise, it’s not about following your heart, it’s about security. He’s got a lot of money..
If you leave here, I hate you…’
‘You son of a bitch’.
‘Would you just stay with me?’
‘What for, we’re already fighting.’
‘Well that’s what we do, we fight, you tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time, I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. They have a two second rebound rate, and you’re back doing the next pain in the ass thing…
‘It’s not going to be easy. Its gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this everyday. But I want to do that… please just picture your life for me 30 years from now, 40 years from now what’s it look like if its with that guy. Go. Go. I lost you once. I think I could do it again if i thought hat’s what you really wanted. But don’t take the easy way out.’
‘What easy way? There is no easy way. No matter what I do, someone gets hurt.’
‘Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about I want, what he wants, what your parents want you to do. What you want is not that simple’’ [1]
That middle of crossroad fight between Allie and Noah shows us why they endured as a couple: the couple had the ability to manage dialectical tensions. Allie has to make a decision, whether to break off her engagement with her fiance or stay with Noah. There was no one who could make that choice for her, no direction to tell her what the right choice was in the end.
The memorable fight between Allie and Noah showed the couple managing their dialectic tension with integration, recalibration, and reaffirmation. Noah showed the capacity for integration, he no longer made decisions as an individual who was insecure about his social class. At this point in time, Noah had the ability to utilize integration, answering to both his and her needs, instead of pushing Allie away. Noah could now make decisions as a couple. What was the best decision for Allie, was the best for Noah. Even if Allie chose to honor her engagement with another man, that emotional stress point showed that Noah would be able to let her go. Noah’s need for autonomy at the start of the film was gone. For Noah, losing Allie
was much worse than overcoming his insecurity of their different economic class. This is a moment Noah was able to bridge the dialectic gap between autonomy and connection. Noah was not pushing away Allie this time. This time he was not afraid of losing her.
Recalibration and reaffirmation was shown in that fight, in between the couple’s name calling. Recalibration is when a couple could reframe their views of their relationship and of each other. Reaffirmation is to accept that problems in the relationship will come, but they are with each other because of their differences, not because their relationship will always be nice. Noah showed recalibration when Allie protested they were already fighting. Noah doesn’t deny his frustration with her, but in that pivotal moment, he claims that it is what they do as a couple. As a couple they fight. It is not easy, but he will work on it because he wants to be in that relationship with Allie.
I suspect managing dialectical tensions are not created for perfect couples who never fight and have everything put together and in harmony. Dialectical tension management are for imperfect people who want to maintain a relationship that grows, endures, and lasts. Noah and
Allie are not perfect people. It is suggested that Allie often made choices to make other people happy. The young Allie, who wanted to stay with Noah, didn’t make that choice to stay for herself. The young Allie wanted to make Noah happy, disregarding what was best for her. A young woman sacrificing her education and future to be with a young man, wouldn’t be the best decision for her in the end. Noah is not a perfect man either, he has a masked insecurity that may not be obvious from the start. A young Noah distances himself from Allie until it is too late, because of his insecurities around wealth and his lack of means. A young Noah was willing to threaten to jump off a ferris wheel if Allie didn’t go on a date with him, a lack of regard for his own physical well being. It was only when the fear of losing Allie had already manifested and enough time had passed, that we see Noah being able to bridge the dialectical gaps with Allie.
A young Noah would not be able to bridge the dialectical gap around autonomy and connection with Allie. A young Allie would not be able to bridge the dialectical gap between privacy and openness, she kept information private to avoid hurting Noah. The adult Noah did not push Allie away; the adult Allie was open about her fears, engagement, and insecurities. Allie showed growth in the end of the movie when she was able to break away from her engagement, and make a choice that was authentic to her. That decision to stay with Noah was not to please
another person. The scene where they bridged the dialectical gap is the moment viewers get a sense that this is a couple that will last.
The dialectical tensions around openness vs privacy, connection vs autonomy was an underlying tension in the film “The Notebook”. There is a sense of triumph, when very different people like Noah and Allie, are able to manage their dialectical tensions by utilizing integration,
recalibration, and reaffirmation. It takes courage to love another person and bridge the gaps between their needs and our needs. It takes trust to affirm and accept that difficulties will come in a relationship, but that relationship is important enough to work on. It takes emotional security
and generosity to use integration in order to make decisions that are the best for both individuals in a partnership. It is easy to be dismissive of love and write the Notebook off as another Hollywood film. But the decision to write off-love restricts the opportunity to understand why a relationship could grow, endure, and last. The decision to be dismissive of love, or be
inspired by love, is a choice no one could make for another person. But given the chance to have been with someone who brought a wealth of meaning and connection into our world, wouldn’t learning how to maintain that relationship by managing dialectical tensions be all the
while worth it?
Sources:
1. Cassavetes, Nick. The Notebook. New Line Cinema, 2004.
